Welcome to the Midwest, Guantanamo Bay detainees

Upon hearing of the wonderful news that up to 100 Guantanamo Bay detainees will be transferred to my home state, Illinois, I decided to take it upon myself to welcome these troublemakers to the midwest.

Now be forewarned, the Land of Lincoln is quite different than tropical and sunny Cuba, but with my advice and guidance, your transition to the Prairie State will be as smooth as Brian Urlacher's shaved head. Which brings me to my first piece of advice for fitting in to the IL population:

#1) Become a Bears Fan. Seriously. So you got a bad rep, right? I mean, being coined as the "masterminds behind 9/11" is not exactly the right foot to start off on in a new town. But if you show up with a goose island beer in hand and a bears shirt on, randomly shouting "DITKA", you may have a better chance of making friends than a fool from Green Bay. Which brings me to my next point: DO NOT EVER SUPPORT GREEN BAY. That's an execution sentence in its own right. Supporting the right team in Illinois gives you a %75 chance of getting by unscathed. Trust me, I know.

#2) Eat hot dogs, with no ketchup please. Chicago is known for its hot dogs.. with everything on it except the usual condiment, Ketchup. To be safe, I would ask for everything and more on it because real Chicagoans pile as much as they can on that little piece of meat. More is better. Less=bad. And considering that rule, I would say eat as much food as you possibly can. And I'm not talking about a large salad from Potbelly's. I'm talking about deep fried paradise, with a side of french fries or onion rings, washed down with a milkshake, followed by a dessert of deep fried oreos. You get the picture. You'll be more accepted if you show up demanding some kind of fried food in your prison meal than asking for an extra fruit cup. Don't be a wuss about food. For inspiration, please watch the SNL fave:

http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=6263

#3) There is no NOISE in ILLINOIS. Do not roll up to your new prison crib claiming you're so happy to be in ILLINOISE. You will look stupid, and those midwesterners will tear you up. You guys will be close to the Iowa-Illinois border so remember: Illinois is always superior to Iowa. no contest.

#4) Cow tipping is a great way to show your midwestern spirit.. just don't get caught. What you're going to do is this: Find a farm late at night. spot a cow kind of off to the side from his other cow friends. Position yourself so that you're slightly crouched on the side of the cow. Push it and run. Now if you happen to find yourself face to face with the farmer, refer to step one: Talk about DA BEARS!! The farmer won't even wonder who you are or why you're on his property. He'll just be in the "chicago sports trance". This is characterized by nonsensical ramblin', a blank stare, and a desire to drink beer.

#5) Now I must admit, I am not a native Chicagoan, I did spend some beginning years of my life on the east coast. This is what makes me a better candidate for helping foreigners acclimate to the lovely state of Illinois. Now once you arrive to your new crib, do not be afraid if people are acting abnormally nice. No, they're not trying to get anything out of you, they're not trying to get you to buy something, and they're not trying to make you feel safe so that when you turn your back they'll swipe all your belongings (well, maybe on the South Side, but I'll let that one side). Midwesterners are just warm and friendly people to begin with. I know this may seem like a foreign concept to alleged terrorists and an east coaster like myself, but they really are just that nice. So, when you happen to meet your first midwesterner and they give you a too-friendly smile and handshake, return the favor. That's your first step to Midwestern style.

#6) GO CUBBIES!!!! Don't root for the white sox. That just means your white trash.. and you don't want to start off as white trash in America right away. That's something foreigners must acquire over the years in the USA.

Remember this joke.. it may save your life if you happen to be stranded on the North Side..

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Sox fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Sox fans too. Not really knowing what a Sox fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Sox fan."

Then, asks the teacher, what are you?

"Why I'm proud to be a Chicago Cubs fan," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she is a Cubs fan.

"Well, My Dad and Mom are Cubs fans, and I'm a Cubs fan too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says the girl, "I'd be a Sox fan."

THANKS FOR READING!! I LOVE COMMENTS!