I really feel bad for men...

I really feel bad for men sometimes...
Wouldn't you?
Many complain that men have the upper hand, that they are superior to women, and that they have an "easier" life. WELL, I just have to take this moment to bring up examples of why "GIRLS RULE... BOYS DROOL!" haha, but no really, please pay attention to the following, and  women of the universe may stop feeling so bad for themselves after all..

Seriously though, why do men smell so bad?
Anytime I walk into a man's room it smells like Iron Chef Morimoto is cooking up a B.O. stew with a side of wasabi. Why does it smell so bad? Can anyone explain this phenomenon? I feel like I'm walking into a scrotum... and I don't understand why. Gheez, light a candle, please! It does not automatically turn you into a homosexual.

The world is my soap aisle and I intend to smell like fresh cut flowers.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Man, what a drag it would have been if every time I wanted to show emotion, I would have to remind myself to "man up" or "grow some balls." There's nothing more cathartic than crying during your annual Vag-a-thon movie fest, and by vag-a-thon movie fest I mean Titanic and The Notebook played back to back to back... to back... I feel bad for men that they can't have this catharsis, but hey, they were conditioned to be non-crying, wood-chopping, testosterone-wielding, sperm carriers. Shame on you society! let the damn man cry once in a while!

But Officer, I didn't see a Speed Limit Sign anywhere

I've gotta say that every woman knows this trick. You get pulled over for a ticket and the ditzy girl syndrome kicks in. (Warning- this act only works on MALE cops, FEMALE cops can see right through your flirty eye flicker) I remember the moment where I realized I could get away with things just by acting helpless and dumb. Many people may look down on this, but would you like to pay my $45.00 speeding ticket? Didn't think so. So if men are going look at women as helpless and needing to be saved, then you're damn right I'm going to use that to my advantage in the real world. Besides, if you can get out of something by using your looks, then why not? no shame here

I'd like a side of Free with my Free shit, THANKS!

Why YES, I would like a drink.. You want to pay for dinner? Oh no you shouldn't have! I'll get it "next time". If i added up all the free shit I've gotten out of men, I'd have a party complete with an open bar and snack buffet. If men find it empowering for themselves to pay for shit, then by all means, go for it. Everyone knows that my college loans only go so far. And yes, I understand that women are becoming more independent and equal, but if men still want to pay for stuff, then take advantage of it. Does any guy know any woman that came up to them at a bar and asked them if they would like a drink? never heard of that situation but if you have, let me know, because I want to go to the bar with THAT girl. Maybe she'll buy me a drink

Pants and shirts are boring

Maybe it's because i am a female, but i love wearing dresses, skirts, jumpers, fuckin ball gowns, whatever it is, I can wear it. But men are reduced to just wearing pants/shorts (unless you wear a kilt, which i have decided not to comment about). Wearing a dress is probably the most freeing experience ever. A life without maxi dresses is like a life without a refreshing breeze on a hot summer night. The thought alone of not being able to wear a maxi dress makes me want to cry (refer back to paragraph 2) Men-if you want to wear dresses I support you, but I will also probably laugh at you.




I LIKE COMMENTS!

From the Bottom of my Fag-Hag Heart....

Last night I had the honor of attending a cabaret show at Jacques, a wonderful little bar located in the Bay Village neighborhood of Boston. This was no other "show" though, it was a drag queen show. Glitter, wigs, flamboyance, etc. Makes me happy that I am alive (sad, but true).

As I sit in bed with the pleasant memories of last night and a glass of $6.00 Cabernet Sauvignon, a wonderful appreciation for the gay world washes over me. Which brings me to my next thought. WHAT THE FUCK WOULD I DO WITHOUT MY HOMOS?

Seriously though? I've never really been in a long term relationship with a heterosexual man, but I can certainly attest to the longevity of my gay-boyfriend relationships. In fact, I have been "married" to a very special man for more than 5 years now. (BTW- thanks facebook for letting me enter into illegitimate relationships, please refer to my past blog post, people).

So the purpose of this blog post is to thank my many fabulous gay men for being in my life. Without your laughter, fashion advice, and all-around awesomeness, I don't know if I would be the same person I am today. Women may search for their "soul mate" their entire lives, but I know I have found mine, and many, through all of you.

To my gay boyfriends:

You're the best wing man ever, thank you.
You know when to cut me off at the bar, thank you.
You give the best compliments, thank you.
You tell me when a dress really isn't that flattering, thank you.
You know how to make a girl feel beautiful, thank you.

And last but not least,
You know how to be the best friend ever, thank you.


LOVE YOU ALL-THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY LIFE SPECIAL.



Now... let's go shopping? OKAY!

LET'S MAKE IT OFFICIAL...VIA SOCIAL MEDIA..

Love is in the air…or so they say around this time of year. As Valentine’s Day rears it’s ugly head, those who are single run to the liquor cabinet, while those in a relationship run to their nearest CVS.

“I hope this Hallmark card will suffice.”
Oh Boy, do you have a lot to learn, young man…

At least Facebook can help us clear the air as to who is “taken” or
“available”.
The dreaded “Relationship Status”. Every woman wants one, and every man tries to pretend it doesn’t exist.

I’ve heard it many times before:

“He won’t change his relationship status on Facebook from ‘single’ to ‘In a
relationship!’”

“‘They just made if official…on Facebook.’
‘Oh wow.. That’s serious.’”

And so I ask myself, “Is this my generation’s way of ‘courting?’”
A couple days ago, I saw “The Social Network” for the first time. A pivotal
point in the film (and Facebook’s history) is the addition of the
“relationship status” option to the site. Virtually, it makes sense. A
simple question really. Are you or aren’t you? In reality, it’s a whole
different story. We take this virtual declaration of love as a reality check
to our love life.

TIME Magazine came out with an article on this exact subject. I recommend you read it:
http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1895694,00.html

What is the etiquette with Facebook relationships? Should there be? The
answer is that it’s up to you. Some couples are together for years and
haven’t made it Facebook official. Others clog the newsfeed every 5 minutes
with their dramatic declarations of break-ups and make-ups. EW.
In my personal opinion, lets not take this virtual declaration of love as the real
thing. May we remember social media is better used for business marketing
than love life marketing.

P.S.- No one really cares if Bobby broke up with you and that you’re “single and ready to mingle”.
NOW WHERE IS MY CHOCOLATE?
Love and kisses,
Beth

Reasons Why I'm Glad I'm Single

It's easy to get the no-boyfriend blues. Sitting at home, wishing you had a snuggle buddy, really makes you yearn for that male companion. But I would like to take this moment to rejoice in NOT having a boyfriend, because I've thought of a lot of reasons why it's better to be single:

You're only responsible for yourself, only yourself.
Life is pretty tough in your post-graduate year/early twenties. I have a hard enough time figuring out what I'M going to be doing next. Imagine having to plan with someone else.. BLAHH.. I rather not.. Therefore, I am very glad to have to only plan for my future, and not OUR future.

You're not ashamed of all the trashy reality shows you watch.
Teen mom? check! Real housewives? double check! Bridezillas? oh, you betcha! nothing beats being able to have a round up of your favorite vag-tastic reality shows and not hear any criticism. If I got patronized every time I tried to watch Teen Mom's Farrah say something stupid, then that would just take all the fun out of watching my trashy shows. Which leads me to my next point..

Full remote control access
Nothing is worse than having a man commandeer the remote to put on lame sports/ shoot-em-up shows all day. I like sports and guns a little bit, but only if I am multitasking/ drunk.

Every night is fun night when you're single
It's true, every night IS fun night when you're single. You can do whatever you want! And you won't have any one guilt tripping you on the other end, saying you should be doing this, or you should be doing that. I make my own decisions!

The bed is all mine.
I don't know about you but I loooove to sprawl out in my bed. I've actually had guests complain about my bed hogging when they sleepover. Oh well! My bed is my sanctuary and no one else's, and if that makes me a selfish bitch, then so be it. My bed loves me back.

I've seen what's out there..
No offense to any of my friends who are in relationships, but by the looks of things, the grass isn't really greener on the other side. Yes you have that great companionship and all, but a lot of the boyfriends I witness/encounter aren't my cup of tea. So therefore, I rather be alone than bound to a man who isn't even that great to begin with...

The world is MY oyster.. and I intend to explore it...
The adventure is mine! Think of all the possibilities you have before you as a single gal. You don't have to have anyone else in mind. Trip to Bali? Okay! New Years in Miami? I'm down! The only person you have to think about is yourself, and that, my friends, is what I call freedom!

I would really love any comments from anyone who agrees/disagrees with my post.

Stereotypical Beings of the Gym

I've been meaning to write this blog post for a while. Every time I go to the gym, I realize how everyone at the gym fits into a stereotype. A hilarious stereotype for sure. Now read on and you will soon become acquainted with your fellow work out buddies...

The number one stereotype for sure is Mr. Testosterone. The guy who wears a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, so everyone can notice his overly-sized arms, all the while drinking a protein shake and sweating up a storm. You rarely see this guy working out. Most of the time he is spotted at the gym, he is making his rounds around the weight room checking out his competition. God forbid a female walk by, because Mr. Testosterone compares the gym to a Friday night bar. Ladies beware: if you happen to meander past Mr. Testosterone, be prepared for a complete check-out. This is the only time you will see Mr. Testosterone work out: at the sight of a female. He quickly picks up a weight and pretends that those overly sized arms are good for something. Note to Mr. Testosterone: the gym is not a heavyweight contest nor a mating ground. Please keep your boner and protein shake to yourself. Thank you..

Next up is awkward anorexic girl. You arrive at the gym, and she's already working out. You leave the gym, she's still working out. She's about as thin as one of your legs and extremely pale. She's also constantly doing cardio. Treadmill, Spinning, Eliptical, you name it, she's on it. She also thinks she has the right to wear extremely skimpy outfits. Note to awkward anorexic girl: unless you're ripped like Serena Williams, please don't think you can rock a sports bra. You don't have abs, you have ribs, and your ribs make me feel uncomfortable. Go home and eat a sandwich.

8 Month Pregnant Woman
Excuse me? Are you fuckin kidding me? This pregnant biddy is about to pop a kid out and she's showing me up on exercising. Again, please go home and wait for your water to break. The last thing I want to see at the gym is a crowning baby, so do us all a favor and take advantage of bed rest.
Hyperventilating Guy
This guy is slightly overweight, and does minimal amount of exercise in the gym, yet acts like he's climbing to the top of Mount Everest. His definition of "abs" is raising his neck every second while breathing like an asthmatic red head. He does sprints on the treadmill because running long term is out of the question. Think of this guy as your gym's teddy bear. Like Patrick the Dog in F.A.O. Schwartz. He's huge, cute, and fluffy, but at the end of the day, the only thing he's going to accomplish is laying on the floor for a considerable amount of time.
Obnoxious girl on Cell Phone

Okay, so I recently just got a smart phone and realize they are awesome and way versatile. I may answer a phone call once in a while but I'm not gonna have a fuckin hour long conversation. Note to obnoxious girl on cell phone: do you know how annoying it is to work out next to someone blabbing on. VERY. JUST STOP. And also, most of the time I see you guys, you aren't even working out. You're walking around the gym looking for Mr. Testosterone. Mr. Testosterone and Obnoxious Girl on Phone are a match made in heaven. They both make rounds to find each other, but either is too dumb to realize they're perfect for each other.


Thanks for reading! Give me your thoughts and let me know if you think of any other "GYM STEREOTYPES..."

Growing Up Sucks-An Ode to my Childhood..

Hi, My name is Beth Foster. I am a 22 (almost 23) year old who wakes up at 7:45 in the morning each day to sit down at desk for more than 6 hours.. After work, I go to the gym so I can get semi- in shape and have semi-self esteem. After making up for sitting down all day at the office, I go home and enjoy that fuckin' chicken and salad for dinner. I tell myself I enjoy it and ignore the cheeseburgers and ice cream cones dancing in my head, tantalizing me with their hokey tunes and cherubic, smiling faces. I think everyone knows what those smiling faces look like.

After dinner, I make a turkey and cheese sandwich for my lunch the next day. I then sit down on the couch and watch the various TV shows the American TV networks have picked out for me to zone out to. Then I go to bed...and guess what I do in the morning. The. Same. Thing.

Listen, I'm not throwing myself a pity party here. I enjoy my life thoroughly and am grateful for everyone and everything. Shit, when I get down I just think about those pelicans covered in oil. Now THAT'S a sucky life. Sorry pelican, but it's true.

I think what makes me write this blog post, is the constant nostalgic memories that pop into my head when I'm answering e-mails all day at work. I look out the window at the beautiful day and think about the summers I had before I suddenly became a grown up.

This may be cliche, but running through the sprinklers in my yard was one of my favorite things to do on a summer day. I don't understand why I was so entertained by shooting water, but I was. Looking back, I know I will never have that feeling anymore (Trust me, I know. I've tried to recreate this innocent past time in my older years, and it's just not the same. Also, people look at you weird).

Growing up sucks. But it's also great. You can either look back at the past and wish for it to be again, or you can take the feelings you remember as a child with you. Not even growing up can make those feelings disappear.

RYAN SEACREST STOP RUINING MY LIFE!!

Ahoy my fellow blog readers, welcome to my second post. I was puttering about today in my usual Beth Foster business... i.e. waking up late, taking a shower, and going to work; I realized while amongst my activities, I really hate Ryan Seacrest. Now maybe I shouldn't use the word hate because it is such a strong word, but I have several reasons why this man is such a hindrance upon mine, and America's life.

#1) Ryan Seacrest is the beginning of the end for radio

Now I know the existence of radio isn't a big deal for you, but it is for me. And everyone in America should appreciate radio, even if they don't listen to it. Radio is the inkling of broadcasting and digital media today. Newspaper was the only source of outlet for information disseminating at the time, and radio revolutionized that. Now I know you all are sitting at home wondering "what the fuck does this have to do with Ryan Seacrest?". Well, I'll tell you. Radio is a reflection upon the demographic of the people in the broadcast area of a certain station, i.e.- it shows what is regionally popular and not popular. Every area of the United States is different so therefore radio should be a colorful array of broadcasting. There is something wrong with the industry of radio (in terms of how well it is doing financially ) if you can go to any city, say it be bumblefuck USA to NYC , and can turn on a radio station and hear Ryan Seacrest. I don't mean to poo-poo Ryan Seacrest and all his business endeavors, he has done a very fine job at marketing himself, but seriously, its not even marketing anymore, its PROSTITUTION!! Which brings me to my next point.

#2) Ryan Seacrest is about as available as Tiger Woods' Hoes.

We all know about Tiger Woods' indiscretions and how he has a girl in every city. Now let me give you a brain twister: Ryan Seacrest is just America's broadcasting hoe. You want it in every city? You got it! You want it in the morning? You got it! You want it in the afternoon? You got it! Hell, I can give it you every day, mother fucker, morning and night. It's just that easy.

#3) Ryan Seacrest controls everything we see.

Yes, this is an exaggeration, but I gotta catch headlines, ya know? Have you ever paid attention to the credits of certain reality shows? Executive Producer, Ryan Seacrest, all over that shit! I'm just saying before you know it, one day you'll wake up and not turn on your comcast TV, but Ryan Seacrest TV. That's when the bomb shelters become handy.

#4) Ryan Seacrest makes me feel insecure about my looks

The dude is a GUY and he still makes me feel like I need to get my eyebrows waxed. No man needs to be that manicured. That's my opinion. Ladies, if your man has a larger spa tab than you, then we have different problems. That's a different post in entirety. Back to Ryan Seacrest, I know he is a big TV personality, but there's a reason why radio is reserved for the ugly and shy; we don't have to worry about the visual aspect of it. You. Ryan Seacrest, have facials written all over you. Quit trekking in the outsider's industry. You bully, you.

#5) Ryan Seacrest is as marketable as girl scout cookies.

Who doesn't like girl scout cookies? You have to wait a year for them to come back, its devastating. Now picture having somosas and thin mints all year long. Ridiculous. Always a bonafide hit in your store! Ryan Seacrest is kind of the same thing. Say you're a programming director trying to find a new on-air talent for your station. You've got some pretty good local candidates with original flair. NO GO! The top boss doesn't see this as an option because they're already in financial ruin; They can't hire anyone on without certified ratings. In sweeps Captain Hero: the Seacrest himself. Bravo Ryan, you should really give your agents a raise. But anyways, you know if you owned a store with girl scout cookies year long people would be die-hard fans. It's the same with Ryan Seacrest, he's not as good as girl scout cookies (actually far from it), but he is as marketable as a fuckin turkey on Thanksgiving, A.K.A. people will buy it no matter what the shit they get and still love it!!